The Snape Thing
by Nhami
Summary: "He still blames himself, even after two years. She supposes part of her blames him too." Lily and James discuss the war, a recent attack, and The Snape Thing.


**A/N: Hey, guys. This just came to me during a blackout. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.**

**Disclaimer: Jo Rowling owns everything, including my soul.**

"Lily? Are... are you okay?"

The worst part is that his eyes really do show concern. She collects all her strength, breathes deeply through clenched teeth, and tries to force herself to not cry in front of him. Because if he sees her crying, it will break his heart. He still blames himself, even after two years. She supposes part of her blames him too.

"I'm fine." Lily says, her voice sounding hoarse. Merlin, if anything could make her even more emotional, it was that lanky weirdo showing concern.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He runs his fingers through his hair, as he can read her thoughts and is trying to get her to flood the Common Room. She blinks fast, looks up and tries to see through tear-filled eyes to tell him that yes, she is sure she's okay. But when she opens her mouth to tell him so, her voice catches in her throat and her sob surprises them both.

He stays frozen with his hand on his hair for a second before crossing the room and sitting on the couch next to her. He awkwardly puts his arm over her shoulders, and tugs her to rest her head on the crook of his neck. She pulls back.

"Really, James, I'm okay.", she tells him. "I'm fine."  
"Oh, I can see how 'fine' you are, Evans. Tell me what happened."

She looks up surprised at his not so warm tone, and is about to tell him to go to hell when she changes her mind. She spills out everything fast, not worrying about making sense: sneaking into Hogsmeade to celebrate Alice's engagement to Frank, heading back to the castle by herself a couple of drinks later, her surprise encounter with Death Eaters wanna-be's, their hissing threats, listening to a familiar voice tell her the War was all her fault for trying to poison the Wizarding Community, threatening to kill her, to torture her, justifying his actions with the excuse that they had no choice but to make sure the blood of the next generation was pure, so the magic trait could be passed on...

"_Snape_?", James interrupts her.  
"Do you even have to ask?", she replies.

She finishes her story, telling him about how Marlene and Alice and Frank went looking for her when they didn't find her in the castle, how they found her Stunned in the snow. When she was Rennervated, she was shaking so hard she bit her tongue with enough strength to draw blood. They rushed her to Madam Pomfrey, where they all stayed with her talking in quiet, warm voices for hours.

"But thank God they only Stunned me." she says with a sigh.

James is quiet when she turns to look at him. And then he's not.

"'Thank God'? '_Thank God'_? Lily, they cornered you, threatened to kill you, Stunned you and left you in the snow to freeze! They might as well have tried to Avada Kadavra you. And you are, you are _thanking God_? You should report them to Dumbledore! You should report them to the bloody Ministry! They attacked you!"

"You think I don't know that?" she hisses, silencing him. "Do you think I wasn't scared out of my mind? Do you think I enjoyed listening to the bloke that was my best friend since I was nine telling me I didn't belong? That I deserved to get killed because of who I am?"

He opens his mouth but she doesn't let him speak.

"Because I was scared! I still _am_. But when you read the news every bloody day and you can practically point the finger on the day they decided fighting this war on the behalf of the Muggles wasn't worth it, when you hear more and more stories through your Auror friends about the Ministry covering up missing Muggleborns and Muggle murders, when you only have either Dale Umbridge arguing that the Ministry shouldn't get involved in people's "private beliefs" or Barty Crouch arguing that Aurors should practice the Unforgivables on every person suspected to have connections with Death Eaters, what do you want me to say? That I'm not grateful about not being one more body to be counted? That I'm not relieved about not being taken and tortured? Because I am! I am so _relieved_ my mum won't have to worry about where her daughter is! I'm so _thankful_ Marlene didn't have to identify my body! I'm so bloody happy you can't imagine. I could have singed when Frank Rennervated me and I didn't see anyone but my friends around me. I swear to God, James, I could have singed."

She looks straight into his eyes, as if to transmit her seriousness through her dead set stare. Her eyes are still puffy and red, though, so most of the scary effect is lost to him.

James shakes his head.

"Why are you crying, then? Are you scared they'll come back for you?", he asks without thinking.

"No," Lily immediately replies. "I know they'll come back for me. I guess it's the Snape thing."

"Ah. The Snape thing." He runs his fingers through his hair as he looks down.

"Well that, and I just read the last Crouch statement. I might be weeping for the future of Wizard kind as well." she says with a small smile.

James stops mid-gesture and takes his hand down from his hair, which looks even more messier now than usual. He grins.

"Can't say I mind too terribly the Crouch bloke. At least he's aiming for the right direction.", he says.

"I disagree." Lily replies. "If we do what he's telling us to do, and kill every suspect on the spot, then we're almost as bad as them."

He smiles at her 'almost'. "Oh. I suppose I can see your point. But maybe then the war would be over faster."

"Maybe. But with many, many more causalities."

They both stay quiet after that, each pondering if they could afford to take the moral highroad, when Lily finally breaks the silence.

"I guess I'm tired of justified murder."

James puts one arm around her, and tugs her to rest her head on the crook of his neck. This time, she doesn't pull back.

**A/N: Well, this is it, then! I really did enjoy writing this. But what did you think? I'm planning two more James/Lily oneshots, so if you have any comments or suggestions at all, please post them. That would really help me out. Thank you!**


End file.
